


Let Him Go

by Nowaki



Series: YOI Rare Pair Week 2017 [7]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Apparently people have cried over this, Break Up, Heartbreak, I should be better than this, I'm Sorry, I'm too old to be writing songfics, M/M, Make Outs, Unrequited Love, based on the song "let her go", day 7 - reunion, implied sex, no happy ending, nothing graphic, past Phichit x Yuuri, past relationship, rarepairsonice, this is so late, this isn't fanfic dot net, yoi rare pair week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 21:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9516965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nowaki/pseuds/Nowaki
Summary: Yuuri hadn't forgotten, he'd just moved on.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a week late for Rare Pair week. I apologize. Insert excuse about returning to school here. Also, I'm trash and I basically wrote a songfic... Am I kicked out of the fandom yet? 
> 
> You don't have to read the rest of the series to read this fic however you may want to read about Phichit and Yuuri's bad date here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9342905 
> 
> As with all of these fics: Written for the Yuri!!! on Ice Rare Pair Week 2017. Check it out on Tumblr @rarepairsonice  
> You can also find me on tumblr: @nowaki-star + by checking out my yoi blog @Misquotes-on-Ice
> 
> BTW: there's no happy 'get back together' ending. Trigger Warning: Break Ups.

_Well you only miss the light when it’s burning low_

 

Phichit didn’t think he would ever get used to seeing his name written out in the Roman alphabet. He almost didn’t recognize it written out in the shaky letters of a banner meant to greet him. He hadn’t given the boy any mind until he called the name uncertainly, eyes scanning the crowd of strangers at the baggage claim.

“That’s me!” He answered quickly, flashing a smile. “Sorry, I was expecting Coach Celestino.”

“Something came up, so he sent me in his place.” The other boy explained, “I tried to tell him you wouldn’t be able to receive any emails on the plane but he insisted it would be fine.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Phichit recited the greeting for what was probably the millionth time, extending his hand. “I’m Phichit Chulanont.”

“Yuuri Katsuki, we’ll be rooming together.” He replied, shaking his hand quickly.

“You’re not American either, are you?” Phichit asked, stepping forward to collect his luggage as it approached them.

“No, like you I’m just here to train. I’ve been in the States for three years, so if you need any help, just let me know.”

“Thank you.” Phichit found it reassuring that he would be living with another foreigner. Yuuri had already gone through the culture shock of moving to another continent. Unlike a local, he wouldn’t take for granted that Phichit would be familiar with all of the little nuances of life in new place.

Yuuri got them an Uber, which was not as exciting as he had expected. He’d never taken one before due it being a more expensive service, but apparently in America it was more cost efficient than a taxi. Their driver was friendly and even rolled up one of his sleeves to show off a tattoo he’d recently gotten when Phichit complimented the art on his forearm.

“You have any?” The man asked.

“No, but maybe someday.”

“No.” Yuuri said simply.

“They don’t actually hurt that much, if that’s what you’re worried about. Actually kinda feels good. You got an Instagram? I can give ya my artist’s username.”

Yuuri was a social media lightweight, Phichit soon discovered. He would have to change that.

“Your room is on that side,” Yuuri said, pointing to a closed door. “You can help yourself to any of the food in the kitchenette. Coach said he’d help you get your money changed over, if you need him to. Tonight, he’s supposed to bring us takeout, so we can go shopping in the morning.”

Phichit nodded. It was his first time being on his own, but luckily his roommate seemed dependable.

“We’ve got a week before classes start so I’ll show you around and help you get acquainted with the buildings before the campus is flooded with students. We’re not actually on campus so pets are okay, but the landlord doesn’t allow dogs because they’re apparently too nosey.”

“What about hamsters?”

“Hamsters are completely fine.”

“I’m going to like living here.”

 

_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

 

Yuuri, off the ice, was meek. He was quiet during lessons and didn't correct Phichit's English unless helping him with an assignment. Phichit was still learning but he was better at writing it than he let on. He didn't complain when Phichit stayed up late to call his family and he didn’t mind sharing his food.

Yuuri on ice, was a different man. He was more confident with blades under his feet. He would lose himself in thought, making up footwork as he went. He never forced himself to be social so when he glided up beside Phichit, he knew it wasn't just Yuuri being nice to the new guy.

Phichit wasn't sure when he fell, only that he realized it halfway through a lector. He had found himself thinking about how happy Yuuri had been during lunch when he saw Phichit had bought the same hoodie as him. They were going to match at practice and it was going to be absolutely adorable. Phichit had no idea what the professor was talking about, and somehow it didn’t seem like a big deal.

He saw a girl scoot closer to her boyfriend, she leaned in and whispered in his ear. Phichit wondered how Yuuri would act if he did that. Would he lean closer or would he shy away? Would it depend on what Phichit told him? How would he react to flirting? Had Phichit really not started flirting with him yet?

By the end of his class, he knew he needed to do something.

That something ended up being him asking Yuuri out to dinner, which Yuuri mistook for being a normal, platonic evening. He apologized profusely but Phichit hadn’t exactly been clear in his request.

"Do you have keys to the rink?" Phichit asked, as they walked home from what had been the most awkward first date in existence. He already knew that Yuuri kept the backdoor key on the same ring as his room key. He knew where Yuuri liked to disappear off to when he couldn't sleep or his homework was a little too much to tolerate at the moment.

"Why? You want to go skating now?"

"Why not? You come here all the time."

Yuuri didn't hesitate in turning toward the rink. Phichit followed him, looking back and forth to make sure they weren't being watched.

"Don't look so suspicious. If you pretend to know what you're doing, no one will question us."

"Not even campus security?"

"Do you see one of their cars?"

"No."

"Then don't worry about it." Yuuri said calmly, unlocking the door and letting Phichit pass him. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Once the lock clicked back into place, Yuuri set off toward the locker room, Phichit in tow.

Not yet used to being there in the dark, Phichit found himself glued to the wall until Yuuri took his hand.

"Ciao Ciao leaves the spare office key in his locker. We can turn the lights on in there if the night lights aren't enough for you."

"Just don't let go and I'll be fine." He admitted, squeezing Yuuri's hand.

They laced their skates tight under the florescent lights of the locker room before they headed back into the darkness, only the dim light of the emergency back-ups shining pools of light onto the slick surface of the ice.

"Is it really okay for us to use it this late?" Phichit asked, allowing Yuuri to guide him into the center of the rink.

"They run a Zamboni in the morning." He dropped his hand for a moment, only to pick it up with his other. Yuuri tucked an arm around him, palm solid on his waist, and it was all too easy for Phichit to place his freehand over top of him.

"I have never been on this side of a killian before."

“Same here, I’ve only ever watched pair skating.”

“No way,” Phichit replied, peering deep into Yuuri’s eyes and searching for the lie. “You must have a talent then. I’m not very good at this.”

"If you'd like, we can switch."

"I like seeing you in a dominant position." Phichit chuckled, letting Yuuri decide their journey.

The older man's cheeks turned pink but his footwork never wavered.

"I'd like to see this more often." He continued, deciding to press his luck. "Maybe off the ice."

"You're right, I should be more confident."

"That's not what I meant. I meant, I like you holding me. You should do it even when we aren't skating." Phichit babbled as they slowed to a stop.

"Do you know what you're saying?" Yuuri asked, meeting his eyes.

"I hope so. I'd hate to say it too directly and sound like a drunk American looking for a hook-up."

"Phichit," Yuuri breathed, eyes studying the ice. "I'm quite a bit older than you. Not to mention, we're roommates. If this doesn't work out-"

Phichit silenced him with a quick kiss on the cheek. Yuuri's face brightened before he looked away.

"We shouldn't."

"Who cares?"

 

_Only know that you love him when you let him go_

 

Yuuri was the first guy he'd ever pursued. So, when Phichit backed him up against one of the boards, displaying an ad for toothpaste of all things, he wasn't entirely sure what he was going to do. Yuuri, thankfully, was still willing to take charge. Despite being crowded into a wall, he kissed Phichit as though he were the one pinning him there. His fingers carded through Phichit’s hair and when he tugged, Phichit couldn’t help but gasp.

“We should go home, it’s getting pretty late.” Yuuri said as he brought one of Phichit’s own hands to his mouth, planting a quick kiss to his palm. Phichit pouted, despite the warmth that Yuuri’s lips left.

“You want to end our date this quickly?” He joked, attempting to hide his disappointment.

“Who said that going home meant it was over?”

The sloppy make out that started in the elevator was paused only to rush back to their room, where it began once again as soon as the door shut behind them. Phichit found himself pinned against it, Yuuri yanking his pants down as he knelt down. It wasn’t his first blow job, but it was the first one he’d gotten from another man. He’d expected it to be slow and awkward, but Yuuri surprised him with yet another talent. This time, Phichit was reasonably sure that Yuuri had practiced though. He’d only ever seen deep-throating in porn, but there was no mistaking the sudden clench of muscle around him as Yuuri swallowed.

He came embarrassing quickly, which he mentally attributed to his prolonged dry spell and Yuuri being a secret sex god. Yuuri didn’t comment on him only lasting a couple minutes, and actually seemed pleased with himself.

Before he could even begin to comprehend returning the favor, Yuuri was dragging him to the bathroom to get cleaned up. Phichit found himself staring at the door for a ridiculously long amount of time before he realized that he’d been told to shower and that Yuuri had disappeared.

Well, he couldn’t have that.

He wandered over to Yuuri’s side and knocked gently on the door. When there wasn’t an answer, he peaked inside, only to find it empty.

Yuuri returned fifteen minutes later with a plastic bag from the student store. He narrowed his eyes at Phichit. “You didn’t shower?”

“I didn’t know where you ran off to and I didn’t know what to do.”

Yuuri laughed nervously, “I was just picking up a couple of things.”

He was hiding something, although Phichit wasn’t quite sure what it was. He decided to let it go. “Want to take that shower with me?”

“More than anything.”

They ended up making out on the titled floor in front of the shower. It was Phichit’s fault, he couldn’t not touch Yuuri as soon as he’d stripped down, so he didn’t complain later when his back was sore.

Well, he did complain a little bit, but it was only so that Yuuri would make soup while Phichit laid around.

“Hey, I made a little bit extra so that we could eat it tomorrow as well.” Yuuri said, as he opened the door his room. He froze as soon as he saw Phichit, holding the bag he’d returned with earlier.

“You bought condoms.”

“Ah, well, I just wanted to make sure that, you know, if things happened, we would, um, you know, be prepared?” Yuuri looked like he was going to drop the bowls in his hands so Phichit stole one and sat down on his bed.

“I’m not mad, I was just surprised.”

“I don’t expect anything to happen, but I also didn’t want to not have them. Just in case.”

“You’re such a dork.” Phichit teased.

“There’s an American saying that goes: it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

“Well, for the record, it was a good call.”

“Yes, I realized that as soon as you pounced on me in the bathroom.”

Two months later, the condoms proved themselves useful. He’d woken up to low moans coming from the room across the hall. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, but unlike before, Phichit decided to knock on Yuuri’s door and let himself in.

"You can stay. If you want." Yuuri yawned, still laying facedown where Phichit left him as he discarded the latex. Phichit didn’t have to see Yuuri’s face to know that he was hoping he’d spend the night.

After that, Phichit didn't bother trying to hold back. He laced their fingers together when they skated, long after everyone had left. He snuck into Yuuri's bed almost every night, too cold to sleep alone. Yuuri ended up sweating to death under the mountain of blankets and his roommate but he never complained. He let Phichit turn his electric blanket up the whole way during the coldest nights and tucked him in before he left for his morning classes.

Yuuri never asked him for commitment, but Phichit started going on less dates with other people. Yuuri had tolerated it just fine in the beginning, understanding that it wasn’t serious, but Phichit began to find others boring. Even when he did go out, it was always Yuuri that he came back to at the end of the night.

 

_Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

 

Phichit didn’t hear anything from Yuuri until he returned to the states. He’d seen the Grand Prix and he knew that Yuuri hadn’t placed but he’d still made it to the finals. There were other competitions to prepare for.

The fact that he hadn’t reached out was what bothered Phichit, and he had so many questions. Had he met his idol, Victor? What was it like to skate on the same ice as the men whose careers they’d both been following for years? Was Chris as cute in person as he was in the pictures he uploaded? Were they friendly? Was Yuuri spending time with them, outside of the competition? Did the organizers shower the skaters with condoms like they did athletes at the Olympics? Was that why Yuuri hadn’t texted him?

Was that why he’d told Phichit to “stay warm at night” before he left? He’d thought he meant in general, but had he been giving Phichit permission to sleep with other people?

Waiting for Yuuri was beginning more and more stressful. When he finally came home, it was after a long flight. Phichit held off on the interrogation and let him rest a couple of days before he asked what their heroes had been like.

Yuuri didn’t want to talk about the Grand Prix. Phichit didn’t push.

 

_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_

 

Phichit knew that Yuuri wouldn’t be gone forever, but it still wasn’t easy to see him off.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked, still holding onto the baggage he’d offered to carry for him. “We can turn around, right now, and go back to the apartment.”

Yuuri shook his head. He was leaving and there was nothing that Phichit could do but support him while he considered his future.

“Hurry back, okay? It’s going to be boring here without you.”

“I will,” Yuuri promised, giving him a warm hug. Phichit was going to miss him on cold nights, after the seasons changed. At least Yuuri had given him the electric blanket. “I just need to take a break.”

It took Phichit an embarrassingly long time to realize that Yuuri wasn’t coming back.

 

_Only know that you love him when you let him go_

 

Seeing Yuuri skate Victor’s routine brought him hope, as did the photos of Victor enjoying Hasetsu. His best friend was being coached by his idol, and Phichit was thrilled for him. However, he couldn’t shake the nervous feeling in his gut. He admitted his jealousy to Ciao Ciao, who assumed that he too wanted to be coached by a champion and proceeded to lecture him on how Victor wasn’t a real coach. Phichit wasn’t sure how to tell him that it was Victor he envied, how he wanted to be the one to bring Yuuri back into skating. At the very least, he wished he too could see Yuuri every day.

Leo was the one who sent him a link to Yuuri’s press conference. He shared it with a short message wishing Phichit and his old roommate luck. Leo was nice enough to offer a text log of the interview as well, in case the subtitles were too fast. Fortunately, Phichit had spent hours with Yuuri watching subtitled tv. Unfortunately, this meant he understood every word Yuuri spoke, despite never studying Japanese.

In the years that Phichit had known him, Yuuri had never been that passionate. He’d never expressed that much emotion off the ice. When Yuuri said he loved Victor, Phichit understood crystal clear what he meant.

He thanked Leo and shut his phone off. Phichit reminded himself that he and Yuuri had never put a label on their relationship. If he were being completely honest, he couldn’t remember them ever discussing what their feelings might be. Phichit must have told him countless times that he loved him, but he’d never heard Yuuri repeat it back to him. He’d assumed that it was a cultural thing at the time, that in Japan, people didn’t say it often, but maybe Yuuri hadn’t been in love at all.

Phichit felt like he was going to throw up.

As soon as he knew that he was going to be meeting up with Yuuri again, Phichit began making plans. He wanted their reunion to be perfect. He wanted to show Yuuri how strong he was. His competition might be Victor frigging Nikiforov, but he was retired. Yuuri and Phichit had bright futures ahead of them, whereas Victor would be lucky if he excelled at coaching.

It wasn't exactly what he'd imagined, but running into Yuuri and Victor on the eve of the short program felt like fate. Yuuri told him not to invite Ciao Ciao, but Phichit knew his coach would want to see Yuuri as well.

Celestino didn't say it directly, but he told Yuuri how proud he was of him. Victor didn't act like a coach but he and Ciao Ciao discussed his student seriously while he and Phichit caught up. It wasn't perfect, but it was theirs. It all went downhill as their coaches attempted to out drink each other and succeed only in getting plastered. Phichit had tried to contact Guang-Hong to help translate Chinese but he and Leo didn't show up until the tail end of the evening. Phichit was kind of amazed that they hadn't been kicked out.

"Hey, are you really okay with this guy?" Phichit asked before they left. Yuuri wasn't struggling to keep Victor in line but he wasn't doing an exceptionally good job either.

"I'm used to it." He said, cheerfully. Phichit wasn't quite sure what to do with that but he accepted it nonetheless.

"After you drop him off at his room, do you want-"

"Our room," Yuuri corrected. Phichit had almost forgotten that he wasn't another competitor.

"Yuuri," Victor whined, tugging lightly at his clothes.

"I better go." Yuuri sighed before giving Phichit a hug goodbye. He watched them leave, arms wrapped around each other. It played over and over again in his head as he dragged his coach back to his room. He just barely forced it to stop haunting him as he tried to sleep.

The next day, he forced himself to ignore how close Yuuri and Victor were. It still felt weird stand next to Yuuri while someone else had his arms around him, but he didn’t want to let it shake him. He invited Yuuri out to dinner, hinting that he may want to leave Victor at the hotel.

"So, what's it like living with the legendary Victor Nikiforov?" Phichit asked, as they ate their dumplings.

"He's great."

"You two seem close."

"Yeah, being with Victor has taught me a lot."

They ate in silence for a few moments, Phichit trying not to think about the press conference.

“He makes me really happy. I know, he’s going to have to return to skating one day but for now, it’s nice just having him beside me.” Yuuri said, mistaking the silence as a cue to continue gushing.

He opened his mouth to ask if Yuuri had forgotten how happy he’d made him, but quickly bit his tongue. Phichit forced a smile and Yuuri, as naïve as he was, recognized it instantly.

“What’s wrong?”

“I missed you.” Phichit confessed. He didn’t have to tell Yuuri that he’d been sleeping alone since before Yuuri left the states. He didn’t have to admit that he’d been naïve enough to think what they had was more than just physical. He didn’t need to remind Yuuri of the all the nights they’d spent, tangled up together. Yuuri hadn’t forgotten, he’d just moved on.

“I missed you too.” Yuuri told him, placing a hand on his cheek and forcing him to meet his eyes.

“I wish I hadn’t let you leave.”

Yuuri glanced away before making his eyes honestly once again. A small part of Phichit had been hoping to see regret in the brown eyes that met his, however he was disappointed.

“I’m sorry, Phichit.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad that you’re happy.”

It wasn’t a complete lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth. Yuuri seemed to understand.

The next day, Phichit watched Victor kiss Yuuri on international television. He used his arm to shield Yuuri from cracking his skull on the ice, but there was no mistaking the intimate moment between them. As much as it pained him, Phichit knew that Yuuri would never look at him the way he did Victor.

He won gold that day, but he still felt like he’d lost.

 

_And you let him go_


End file.
